Don’t Date This Guy

Just recently I had a very interesting conversation with one young single lady. Her problem, as she described it, was that she kept picking wrong guys for herself. When I asked her with a question – why does it happen all the time, she said that good guys don’t want her, so she ends up with bad ones. So what do we, guys, essentially see in a woman on a date?

1. We see your body. Especially on a first date – this is the first thing we are paying attention to. Some like curves, some like slim shape, it doesn’t matter. What matters is – we look at how good you look. If you think you can impress us with your smarts and wits – be smart enough to shape up, dress up and put on your make up.
2. We see woman’s body language. We may not be able to read all the signs or read through, but if your eyes are drifting away all the time – we can spot it. If a woman is constantly checking her phone (or worse yet – her Blackberry) – we take note.
3. We see how other guys are looking at you. If no one is impressed – we don’t want it. Believe it or not – we do value peer review. So if other guys are looking at us with envy, or not even looking at us because they look at you – we made the right choice.
4. We pay attention to what you are saying. Men mostly are straightforward. If woman says she’d like pizza – we go and get some pizza for her and for us. Or take her to such place. We don’t see this as yet another puzzle that, when solved, should reveal the desire to be taken on a long night walk at the beach with some champagne, flowers and poems under the Moon. Really, you said pizza, didn’t you?
5. We pay attention to the difference between that picture in your dating profile and the real thing that just landed in the chair across from us. If the difference is too significant – we will run away. The more the difference the faster the speed. Want to manipulate men? Here’s your chance.
6. We see a desperate woman when she is desperate. Everyone hits a rough patch once in a while, the idea is not to lose control over yourself because of that. If you seem desperate – we see you as an easy target. Some may take advantage of that, but most men will likely pass you by. We are hunters, if prey falls from the sky into our hands – where’s the excitement? We move on immediately. If we feed on a healthy prey – we get better at hunting. Those who pick you up after us are scavengers. You don’t want them.
7. We understand that nobody is perfect. We may turn the blind eye to some of the shortcomings, but if there are too many – we can’t. Neither can you. As I have said – no one is perfect, no matter what your mom told you.
8. We don’t like to rush things, so we immediately see when women do. Picking up a good name for baby is good for 3rd month of pregnancy, not 3rd month of dating. Of course most women want marriage, children and the whole thing. But rushing us into it may just make us do the opposite. At one time there was a popular story when after a one-night stand guy wakes up with a girl next to him in his bed. And the first thing he hears is “and in that corner we will put baby’s cradle”.
9. Last, but not least. We see how you react to our faults. If a guy dropped a fork on the floor, or spilled wine on the table and all he hears is how clumsy he is – chances are that this is his last date with you. You can call him gazillion times – he will not go out with you again. He doesn’t need another mom telling him how to do simple things.

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Recently I had a sort of unpleasant experience with YANIG – Yet Another Not Interested Girl. To make long story short – I liked her, tried to get her out for a date, but failed miserably - twice. However, it didn’t come as a surprise at all, mainly because this was a long shot (she’s probably twice as small as I am and for some people it matters) and because I hadn’t seen much of interest coming from her. But I was indeed interested – and that was enough to at least try. Twice.

So why did I try then? Well, it’s always worth a shot. Maybe she’s too shy, shut and closed in her own world. Maybe she just isn’t sure you will like her – and she does not want to fail anymore than you do. Or maybe she is simply not that into you. How could you tell? READ THE BODY LANGUAGE!

Hope I made that loud enough. To tell you the truth – this is the main reason I was not surprised – I have read the response to every single approach a few seconds before the girl replied with ordinary pleasantries. In fact, after about 15 minutes I could probably foretell most of her responses to generic pre-dating questions, and after two dates (if I would get them, of course) I would probably be able to imagine how the relationship would unfold. And how it would inevitably crumble. She’s not interested, what can I do, right?

Unless she’s a professional actress or a real pro at deceiving people (in which case you don’t really want to deal with all the consequences) she will give it away by speaking with her body, not the words. If you watched recent “Lie To Me” or old “The Negotiator” with Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson, you probably know what I mean. However, you are at much better position here – nobody’s life is at stake. No one is going to jail. Everyone is relaxed – or at least should be – so the probability of her body lying to you is a lot smaller. Which is your opportunity now that you must cease!

Now, you, on the other hand, will have to control yourself and do what men are supposed to do if they want to get a date – LISTEN! But not only words, but body moves too. Of course, you’ve read and heard about how if the person touches his or her nose it means they’re lying, or if they cover their mouth they are scared of saying something they don’t want. Like that’s going to help you!

SO WHERE IS THE DICTIONARY? Tough luck, boys, there’s none. If someone would come up with dictionary for women body language – they’d be the richest people in the world. Gold, oil, gas, diamonds – everything can be acquired one way or the other, only women will always drive men crazy. But back to our subject. How do you tell if a girl is interested in you if she carries her purse or tote and simply can’t cover her mouth each time she’s not telling you something?

Simple. Watch the whole body. If you are on a date at the cafe – watch the pose. If she’s crossing her arms in front of her – it’s called a defensive stance and she wants to protect herself from you, so slow down on those compliments. Worse yet if she puts her large bag on her lap in front of her – she is almost scared! If she’s looking around once every few seconds – either she’s very uncomfortable (and you have to ask what’s wrong, maybe she just needs to excuse herself to the bathroom) or she is VERY not interested and looking for distraction. Of course she may just be checking the place where you brought her to, but watch for the expression on her face when she’s scanning the area. If she’s fumbling with her accessories – she’s probably nervous about something (could be, or could be not you – try to find out).

One of the hardest things in reading the body language of the person you have never seen (or seen just once or twice) is weeding out the false alarms. What if she’s having allergies and that is the reason why she’s touching her nose – not because she’s a pathological liar. What if mosquito bit her ear last night and she’s fumbling with her earrings to make itching go away – not because she’s inventing some fake story about herself. What if she’s a single mom and checking her cell phone because she’s expecting that her babysitter will call any minute and ruin an amazing time she’s having with you.

As I have said – there is no dictionary for woman’s body language, but you can write one for the kind of girls you like. As long as it makes you both happy – good luck!

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Aside from all the seriousness that you approach dating with, sometimes you need to relax, take a step back, look at the whole thing and smile. So, without further ado here’s your Friday Advice – How To Succeed On Dating Web Sites.

1. Undress to your underwear (well, if you’re home, most likely you already are) and look in the mirror. If what you see ain’t Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman or at least Daniel Craig – admit it that there will be girls who simply not going to like you. It ain’t exactly the end of the world, after all, you also don’t like warm beer or oatmeal cookies.

2. Take a few pictures of yourself. Don’t take pictures of you with your car, it’s like saying “Here’s where I have spent all my money for”. Don’t take pictures with someone else’s expensive car either – it would be like saying “Here’s where I would’ve put my money if I had them”, which is even worse. Make sure that none of your body parts isn’t significantly larger than the rest (yep, I am talking about that beer belly).

3. Put up your pictures in your dating profile. Also, it might make sense to fill your profile on a dating web site with information about yourself. Please, DO NOT specify the size of your male organ – no one would believe it anyway, and you really don’t want to date those stupid ones that would.

4. In case you actually have a sense of humor – don’t hide it, but tread carefully. I’ve seen cases when just two statements (Looking for long-term relationship and Looking for partners for orgy) have caused severe brain malfunction for at least one of the girls on dating web site, so she closed her profile and vanished in the great unknown.

5. If you picked a “romantic poet that is young at heart” type of image – it might work, of course, but those who would be interested in such image are usually either those skinny hairy girls who neglect the shower or really interested in the poetry too much that by the time you get to a real deal you’d be retired. But if it is your choice nonetheless, please choose faster, so you would stop stealing attention from real guys.

6. If a girl, in response to your first two sentences says you’re funny – she’s actually laughing at you.

7. If she’s too eager to embrace you from the get go – that’s a trap.

8. If she’s there once in a blue moon – she has a boyfriend (or husband, or a child) and just likes to mess around with people’s heads once in a while.

9. If she’s online from 9 to 5 – she’s definitely married, just bored at work.

10. If she’s online every single evening from 6 to 10 – you would have a hard time taking her out for a date, because while she’ll be wasting her time on you someone out there might snatch the guy that’s just right for her. And you know she just can’t let that happen!

11. If she’s online only from midnight to 3 or 4 am – she’s definitely from another country.

12. The most horrible thing is that you see her online on Friday or Saturday night. That means that whoever she’s dating had found something better. Do you need some other guy’s rejects?

13. If she wrote that your dating profile stole her heart this usually means there was no heart there in a first place.

14. If, after couple of meaningless exchanges she sends you a link to some other site – it’s a spamming robot. You don’t want it.

15. If the only picture she has in her profile was taken 15 years ago on a cell phone camera this means even she understands the ugly truth.

16. If the picture looks too good to be true – it probably is. If you suspect that the picture is done a bit too professionally, chances are that this is a professional bride.

17. If she has too many pictures with different men – maybe you’re in luck. Chances are all those guys are her friends but none of them are good enough for her, so that’s where you move in.

18. If her dating profile has a bunch of pictures like “me with girls in cafe/at the beach/in restaurant” and most of them are the same girls – be careful. She might find some spare time for you, but most likely you will end up paying for her and her friends, partying all the time without ever getting closer. Maybe (just maybe) one of her friends being really drunk will agree to a blow job, but won’t be able to perform anyway because she will fall asleep.

19. There’s a separate class of girls on any dating web site, I call them “talking questionnaires“. Even if she’s going to agree to devote her attention to you, for the next 30 to 40 minutes you are going to be answering your questions. Even longer, actually, if you really could remember what was the middle name of your kindergarten teacher, when your old uncle Joe fell down the stairs and how many stairs were there, what color was the first shoes you ever wore and so on. After you brave through all of the questions she will disappear for half an hour and only after your eleventh attempt to contact her will she reply that you’re great guy and someone somewhere out there might definitely like you. Just not her and not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either, you know.

20. There’s another class of beings that think that if one guy stood them up for a date that means all guys are pigs. And they go out there for revenge. They want blood, if only figuratively speaking. Anything you may say will be interpreted as a proof that you’re pig. If you won’t say anything they will interpret is as that you are such a big pig that you have un-learned how to talk.

21. There’s yet another class of… let’s say people… They are wives of rich guys who have abandoned them for a young secretary or better looking mistress. In pictures they look above average (meaning – hot enough for you to have a wet dream on a spot). They are in between 27 and 47, usually with one kid. They want someone to love them. Someone to appreciate them for who they are. Someone to marry and come to US and live happily ever after. But not right now, you need to get to know each other better. Just as you start uncovering one amazing thing after another you are surprised that she also likes that “find your own tree” moment, she LOVES Audrey Hepburn or some other stuff you happen to like. There’s one little problem though – the internet is expensive where she lives. It costs around $500/month and she had almost spent all her money for her child. And her shoes are old and torn on the side. And her child wants to go to the beach next month. And so on and so forth. If you look hard enough you even may find real pictures of these abandoned wives, but to much of a surprise they look nothing like the pictures they’ve sent, wear old torn sweaters, sneakers, glasses and beards, live with their parents in Eastern Europe and don’t really care about meeting you.

Tread carefully.

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After I have completed the whole eHarmony dating web site report (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, follow-up) I got a number of comments. Thank you for them, it was nice to see this work didn’t go unnoticed. Also, it was nice to see that there are many ladies among those who are reading this. Not sure why you are doing this, but thank you too!

Unfortunately most of these are the comments that I cannot display for a number of obvious reasons. One of them being that someone was disgruntled with eHarmony because that one guy was an asshole. It happens on any dating web site, not just eHarmony, therefore it’s a bit off the topic. Another was that quite a few of you commentators are posting real names of people who wronged you or your own names, which – for your own good – you should not be doing, unless you’re absolutely sure. And last, but not least, because  the description of your experience was too detailed and that you might regret posting this in conjunction with your names in the future, but your comment would show up in Google’s cache – forever, even if this blog would be no more. So those of you who really think you want your issues discussed – let me know, I am giving you a couple of weeks of cooling off time.

Let me address the most talked about issue from comments. It wasn’t just two people who got hooked dating liars and gold diggers, there’s a huge chunk of you, guys, who get into dating or into relationship so blindly, you keep banging your head on the closed door of the next train, not even noticing that the first one left two days ago. I can understand teenagers doing that for hormonal reasons, but after you hit your twenties half a dozen times you should know better. Open your eyes, more importantly – open your ears! Listen to her – not only it’s a sure way to get closer and to keep her, it is also the best way to spot a liar or a gold digger.

Next dating issue on the list – someone wronged you and you run around posting that person’s name on every blog and forum about dating you can possibly google. Here’s a hint – stop whining. Dating is a game, there are winners and loosers and if you already came up on a short end of stick – you don’t really want the whole world to know, do you? Do you really think spending your time copy-pasting that rant across the internet will help you find that girl you are looking for? Or do you think the person who wronged you will crawl on all four into your apartment to give you an apology and a blowjob? I don’t think so. Just shut up and move on. Find someone hotter, smarter and better – to show that person and everyone else that you can do better.

To conclude – a little story. Well, maybe not really little, but I will keep it brief. There is this friend of mine, nice guy, athletic build, smart, stable – everything a decent girl wants. He is dreaming to get a very specific type of girl – approximately his age, slim, big breasts, redhead, smart and sexy. My take on that was – good luck with that, they’re all taken already. Imagine my surprise when he shows up with exactly that type of a girl. Damn smart, damn sexy and everything else is there. He wasted half a year and huge chunk of money dating her, but she didn’t even let him kiss her. My thoughts were – what a loser, not even a kiss in a half a year! He breaks up with her and in less then three months picks up another – redhead, hotter than fire, all is there and then there’s some. To my eyes – she looked hotter than his previous girl by leaps and bounds; he thinks exactly the same thing. For all I know – they are married for almost two years already, never been happier with each other. I happen to ask them if he ever told her about that girl he dated for half a year. To much of my surprise – not only he did, he asked why would someone do something like this. Her response was straight  and to the point – “I am so lucky that stupid bitch didn’t know WHAT she had next to her”.

Please, stop grieving about someone who is that stupid. Go out and make someone happy.

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